Wednesday, April 21, 2010

getting acquainted to the new man

I haven't been writing anything lately because I think deep down I've been waiting for something to happen. For him to get better or worse I suppose. But the scariest thing I've started to realize is that this man he is now is who will be by my side for a long time. That man I kissed goodbye and sent off to Iraq is really gone. Now of course he still has so many of the traits I loved and still do love about him, but I hope that some of those other spouses out there know what I mean that my husband is a different man and changed for good. The isolation of the PTSD has left me with very few supports that I can talk to about this and zero military wives going through the same thing since I respect that my husband avoids the entire military community and wants nothing to do with anyone that isn't getting him out of the military. The few spouse friends I have locally don't know the dirt b/c my man doesn't want their military affiliated husbands in on it which is a reasonable request as he is higher ranking. I just find myself wishing for some veteran's wives whose husbands don't all know each other to magically find me and invite me to their imaginary group across the street to let me know how these next 20-30-40 years are going to go now that PTSD is a third wheel in our marriage.

Things were going better when we had full tricare benefits for those first 6 months after the deployment and he could be seen at the local post by a great therapist on a weekly basis. But now the VA system has only been able to guarantee appointments every 6 weeks and maybe there is potential for a PTSD weekly group. But so far my hubs has not seemed to be a group therapy type of guy so I'm not going to count on that. There's potential for the VA to provide financial reimbursement to see an outside provider if it's determined he needs more care than they can give him (which is clearly the case) but so far my husband has not been interested in pursuing this option despite my encouragement that it would greatly help. So for now I'm just waiting in hopes that he will realize on his own that he needs more help than an hour every six weeks like he did before when he asked for more help.

*sigh* I'm exhausted.


  1. I'm glad you are back and sad that you are exhausted!

  2. Oh my dear sweet L.O.V.E.

    I am typing with tears in my eyes, I so wish I lived across the street from you, not only so you could come and chat about all the crap but so I could put my arms around you and let you cry and scream until you felt like puking!! And that's saying a lot as I have a very strong dislike of people getting into my personal space but dear Lord you're breaking my heart.

    It is for you and others like you that I reach out with such fervor, I am giving a presentation on the 30th and it's stories like yours that I am trying to educate "Joe Public" about.

    I know it's not much, but I am here for you. You can email me if you like or just keeping blogging and I'll check in whenever you post as I have a link to your blog from my home page.

    Writing about it helps, and knowing that someone is reading your words and empathizing helps a whole bunch too.

    Stay strong,

  3. I know exactly how you feel. I am here to talk whenever you need it. It is very isolating and hard to find a good support system. There is a program called give an hour that offers free counseling to veterans. Look it up and find a provider in your area. It's confidential and free. You can go at least once a week. I hope this helps.