Saturday, February 20, 2010

Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl...

Oh, this week certainly has been interesting. We've really been working on "us" primarily and went out on a few special dates. One night we went to a concert and another night went snow tubing in the FREEZING COLD. (I HATE being cold but it was still a nice date). We had some really great days together, snuggling and talking and just plain being happy together. Good times.

Then I thought I was pregnant.

So much so that I actually took an at-home test. I've never thought I could be so much that I've wanted to test. Maybe just felt a little uncertainty waiting for my next period to come a few times. But anyway, it was negative, and while relieved since we live in a tiny apartment and are both unemployed searching for jobs, I was still disappointed. Although financially we are not in a position to have a baby, I have been ready emotionally,mentally for our family to grow for some time now. So I was a little upset about it, he was flat and emotionless about it, it bothered me, and I stirred the pot. So the last couple days were rough. So much that one night he almost spent the night on the couch. That is very unusual for us, we have not spent a night in separate beds as long as he is home with me. But I convinced him to come back and we're slowly trying to get back to the place we were a few days ago. All of this though, is another reason why it's not a great time for a baby.

But I think most of the disappointment after the test stems from the place we are at in life right now and how different it is than what I expected. I went to grad school we the hubs was in Iraq and finished up a couple months ago (Master's in Social Work). I thought when graduation time came around we'd be getting ready to move to wherever he found a great job that he loves (he holds a Bachelor's degree in Biology) and I'd be job searching wherever that place was for my own career, next would be buying a house, buying a dog, and making all the babies! Instead, he has been unemployed for 5 months now and been rejected for a pile of jobs. He also isn't drilling with his unit currently because of PTSD. I've been searching like crazy for a job now to start this process from my end instead but it's no surprise that the economy is crap right now. We've been working with our counselor to not focus on the process and enjoy what we have right now (hence the unusual dates). I mean, it's pretty awesome to just hang out all day with the guy I love and not have to go to work or change diapers or any grown up stuff :) But I'm getting tired of it. I've been tired of it for a few months now and it puts more stress on our relationship. I really do need to find more ways to enjoy it though, who knows how long this will take...

That is my goal today, blogger. The hubs is still sleeping now but when he gets up we will start this day fresh together and I will look for enjoyment in this life style that we will probably never have again the day one of gets that dream job we're searching for!


1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt post. I'm sorry that times are so tough for you right now, but I am proud you are able to identify, recognize and articulate the issues. It sounds as though you have a pretty open line of communication with the hubs. Keep it open and flowing in both directions. I am sending you all my positive thoughts and energy, and one great big "Adda Girl". And please thank your husband for his service from me and my hubster :)